Who are you?
I am a 32-year-old woman, who has a successful career. I am married to a wonderful man, and we have 2 small children. We live in sunny California. Today, I am in a good place. I feel happy and secure. It’s an amazing feeling, especially when you compare it to where I was nine months ago. I don’t want to forget how bad I felt. I am a blackout drunk.
What was it like?
For the last several years, every time I picked up an alcoholic beverage, it turned into a blackout drunk. I was not able to stop drinking. Controlling the amount I consumed was not an option. Years of continuous drinking, were taking a toll on my life. Some days I had just a little and most other days, I had too much. The odd part — even the “too much” days were never enough.
This particular Friday was nothing abnormal. I had an x-ray scheduled. This gave me the “excuse” I needed. Brandon, my husband drove me to the appointment. I took a prescription narcotic (Xanax) along with several mini bottles of booze to comfort me during the appointment. I passed out during the exam. My husband drove me home where I alternated sleeping and drinking the rest of the day. I was disgusting and verbally abusive towards my husband. But mind you, this wasn’t the first day of this…this had been going on every night. This is what he came home to throughout our 8 year marriage.
Well that is not true, there was a short few months, in 2012 when I went to AA meetings, to get everyone off my back.
On that Friday, when evening came, my husband went downtown to meet up with a friend. That was the perfect opportunity for me to get some more beer and liquor. Of course, nothing chases down a cold sip of beer better than a Xanax. I passed out again. I woke up the next morning and Brandon was just getting home. He had spent the night, out on the town, trying to soothe his torn heart and hatred of my alcoholism. He was not a big drinker but that night he got drunk. I noticed his Tahoe was not in the driveway (of course not, he wouldn’t drink and drive). As soon as he got home, he passed out. I got out of bed, guzzled some more booze and attacked him. I jumped on top of him while he slept and squeezed his face as hard as I can and yelled at the top of my lungs “where is your Tahoe”? He threw me off and slapped me. I ran out of the house to my neighbor, Haley, and woke her screaming Brandon has a knife and he wants to kill me.
Ok, he might have slapped me, while I was jumping on his chest, but clearly I was making up the whole “I am going to get murdered part”. Haley, got her husband and we went back to the house so I could get my keys. I stuffed my purse with more alcohol. In my classic drunk style, I decided to text everyone that knows me or my husband and tell them about the “attempted murder”. I played the sweet innocent wife role – and let everyone know I had an abusive husband. If they only knew! My poor loved one Brandon, was the only victim here!
I drank some more until I passed out again. When I woke up I had some clarity of the mess I had made. I jumped in my car to go home on the way stopping to buy more beer and wine. My husband welcomed me home, he was remorseful for restraining me. But please, he was only trying to pry me off of him, during my attack. I finally ran out of booze.
The next morning I knew it had to stop. I had to come clean. I had accomplished what my drunk self wanted. Everyone hated my husband and pitied me. I knew I couldn’t do this to him. The one person that stood by me at my worst, the one that would bear all burdens, all hatred, all lies so no one knew that I was a broken sick alcoholic. I also knew that if I didn’t stop I would die. I searched for a support meeting that I didn’t know anyone. I was embarrassed. Like I mentioned, I had gone to AA a few years back, but those people were such losers. I was not like “those” people. Well this day I didn’t care, I was desperate to talk with anyone who might understand my level of crazy. The meeting I found happened to be an all men’s meeting in a bar! I walked in and they let me stay. I think they sensed I needed to be there more than anyone. Someone gave me a book and another guy gave me his wife’s number. She came over that night talked with me for an hour and sent me to a meeting.
I had been given the gift of desperation… I didn’t want it but I had to have it to get better. This is where my journey started. This is where I realized I am powerless of Alcohol. This is where I realized I cannot drink alcohol no matter what for the rest of my God-given days.
What is it like now?
I am blessed and grateful for this gift of sobriety. Like I said, today I am in a good place. I feel happy and secure. It’s an amazing feeling, especially when you compare it to where I was nine months ago. I don’t want to forget how bad I felt.