As the end of this year is approaching, so is my first year of sobriety. I would like to take some time and reflect on my own struggles to ask for help. It has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
My inability to seek help has truly complicated the road to freeing myself from all the hardships that addiction has created in my life. It is quietly ironic and fascinating at the same time that even though I was on the verge of poisoning myself to death, I still didn’t have the guts to be bold and ask for help. The only time I tried to find help was when I was drunk. Unfortunately, I have a hard time opening up. I am a private person, I enjoy being in my head, and I hate to say it but I guess I am a loner. There is nothing better than quiet, well at least for me anyways.
If you are anything like me, asking for help might be one of the hardest things that you will ever do/ or have done in your recovery. Here are some reasons that prevented me from taking that crucial step.
I felt so insane
The title says it all. Addiction made me feel insane. I had completely closed myself off to the point where I was only allowed to do 3 things: go to work, drink, and watch movies or play video games. I lived this way for years. Same pattern, day after day. It was a miracle if I would even come out from my room into the living room. Alcohol completely blocked all my senses so that even if I did have any human interactions at work, I didn’t feel anything. I was too focused on trying to manage my hangover and hide my addiction.
One thing about any addiction is that it is so sneaky. My mind was still set on the moment of the first drink ever, on how good and relaxing it is. I was blind to reality and how my drinking had hijacked all of my psyches. Therefore I was so confused about these insane feelings that I had. Now I realize that it was simply the side effects of abusing alcohol. I kept on abusing it to the point where I forgot that hangover is not a normal state.
Stigma is a killer
I was deeply ashamed, to the point where I felt I would rather destroy myself than ask for help. Again, not so bold. What I am currently learning in my sobriety is how to stand up for myself. I used to be a floor mat, mostly because I just didn’t care. Playing the victim is always easier, but not advisable. There are just not enough heroes out there per victim. No doubt that shame is hard to face. I am still facing it. Luckily, recovery can be a personal thing; no one needs to know, but I find it ironic how addiction is seen in our society. As long as you can manage it, you are alright, but as soon as you take the hard step towards ending it, you are automatically seen as weak, immoral and different. How unfortunate! Being sober is the biggest personal edge ever. Using the same method I was able to quit coffee, soda, and energy drinks. I’m almost like, thank you stigma! Once I got over it and stopped caring what others thought about me, I was finally able to start taking charge of my life, finally…
This one is a nightmare for introverted people
Opening up. I still have a very hard time doing that. It was even harder at the beginning when my drinking was at its finest. I had things that I wanted to vocalize for 10+ years but just never had the guts. I can say that taking this risk has helped me to understand myself even better. Sometimes I just have to ignore all the nervousness and go for it. Recovery will make you talk, and people who dedicate themselves to becoming professional addiction counselors are very good at it.
It will be nothing like when my drinking was at its finest. I had things that I wanted to vocalize for 10+ years but just never had the guts. I can say that taking this risk has helped me to understand myself even better. Sometimes I just have to ignore all the nervousness and go for it. Recovery will make you talk, and people who dedicate themselves to becoming professional addiction counselors are very good at it. It will be nothing like the awkward conversation with a stranger, I guarantee it!
How about you?
What’s holding you back?
About the author
If you would like to get to know me visit my alcohol recovery blog.
Comment from Victoria b.
I am proud to introduce you to this Blog. I encourage you to check it out. There are so many insightful gems of emotions, displayed in the writing. I particularly like:
- Staying sober;
- Rebuilding my energy back;
- Becoming self-employed;
- Eventually going back to school and finishing associates in small business administration (for starters)